Monday, August 16, 2010

Adventures of a Lawn Mowin' Queen

I was on my way out the door this morning, when I decided I should mow the lawn instead of running the bazillion errands I was on my way to do. After all, it was the first morning in a LONG time that I couldn't cook an egg on my driveway, so I figured "Ehhh what the heck, I'll grab the mower, enjoy the weather, and get a little workout." I quickly opened the garage and rolled out the mower before any of my neighbors could glance in and see the "yard sale pile" that has taken over what was formerly my parking spot. Mental note: put yard sale and cleaning the garage on my To-Do list. Feelin' pretty good, I rolled the mower to my starting point, primed the engine, pulled the cord, and...nothing. It made this pathetic little putter noise like it was going to start, but alas it was all a tease. But I, the Queen of the Yard, did not give up that easy. In all honesty I know nothing about lawn mowers, so I just closed my eyes, muttered a few choice words, tried again and SUCCESS. The lawn mower roared and we were off, like a horse at the Kentucky Derby. Up and down the lawn we went...until we were sidelined by a piece of mushy lawn from the storm yesterday. But did that stop us? No! The front yard was finished and it was time to tackle the backyard. Now, the backyard is NOT my friend. It's sloped and has about 100 types of weed-grass that grows in thick stalks. (If you are reading this and you know how to eradicate this crap-grass [get it? not craB-grass...craP-grass...hardy har har...] PLEASE let me know!) So, I rolled Mr. Mower in and stared at the small jungle in front of me. As I started mowing, I decided to mow around the egdes so I had a border that I could then mow the inside of to avoid hitting the fence. Just the border required me to empty the bag two times. Ugh. But once that part is finished, I was feeling sort of like Wonder Woman. In my super hero state, I began the back and forth rows and an idea popped into my head: I want to write a book. I want to compile stories of different accounts of Mommy Brain. I think it would be great to be able to read about all of the silly/scary/sad things mommies have done on the grounds of the forgetfulness caused by motherhood, and I think it would be good for mommies to know they are not alone in this stuff. I was eager to finish the lawn and start my new project when a GIANT black winged flying creature flew right at my face. It was all a blur, but it was HUGE and gross and flying and...I screamed. A lot. I threw my hands up and started batting it away from my face. Meanwhile, I had taken my hands off the mower, and it rolled back towards me (thank goodness it has automatic shut off when your hands come off the bar!), knocking me backwards. In the middle of my screamfest/stumble, I flung my glasses off my face. It was like the scene from A Christmas Story where the kid loses his glasses in the snow...only minus the snow...and the bb gun, and the falling icicle...okay, so I guess it wasn't really like A Christmas Story much at all. But still, I watched in slow motion as my glasses flew and hit the fence, then crunched on the rocks down below, bouncing several times until they came to a stop, lenses facing down, of course. After being sure the black flying beast was gone, I picked them up only to discover the lenses and frames were bent and scratched. Add that to the list: need new glasses.
Once inside and showered, I sat down and issued a statement on Facebook that I am looking for stories about Mommy Brain for a new project. I thought I would just be slammed with stories immediately after posting...but I haven't gotten a single one yet. But I feel certain if I can get this ball rolling it could be a really successful, interesting, useful compilation. Any takers?

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